Jokes From the Call Centre World

Customer: “I want to get the new Netscape from you people.”
Tech Support: “I’ll need to charge your account $30.”
Customer: “What do you mean? I pay for this service.”
Tech Support: “We’re providing the registered version of Netscape. Netscape charges us, so we have to charge you.”
Customer: “Well, my son is a socialist, and I spent a year in Spain. What do you have to say to that?”
Tech Support: “…Uh….”
Customer: “I thought so.” [Click]

Tech: “Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?”
Customer: “Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”
Tech: “What sort of trouble?”
Customer: “Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
Tech: “Went away?”
Customer: “They disappeared.”
Tech: “Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
Customer: “Nothing.”
Tech: “Nothing?”
Customer: “It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
Tech: “Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”
Customer: “How do I tell?”
Tech: “Can you see the “C” prompt on the screen?”
Customer: “What’s a sea-prompt?”
Tech: “Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”
Customer: “There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”
Tech: “Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
Customer: “What’s a monitor?”
Tech: “It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”
Customer: “I don’t know.”
Tech: “Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”
Customer: “…Yes, I think so.”
Tech: “Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”
Customer: “…Yes, it is.”
Tech: “When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”
Customer: “No.”
Tech: “Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
Customer: “…Okay, here it is.”
Tech: “Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
Customer: “I can’t reach.”
Tech: “Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”
Customer: “No.”
Tech: “Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
Customer: “Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle-it’s because it’s dark.”
Tech: “Dark?”
Customer: “Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”
Tech: “Well, turn on the office light then.”
Customer: “I can’t.”
Tech: “No? Why not?”
Customer: “Because there’s a power outage.”
Tech: “A power… a power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”
Customer: “Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
Tech: “Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”
Customer: “Really? Is it that bad?”
Tech: “Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
Customer: “Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”
Tech: “Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”

Caller: “I’d like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please.”
Operator: “I’m sorry, there’s no listing. Is the spelling correct?”
Caller: “Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar, but the ‘B’ fell off.”

Me: “Hello”
AT&T: “Hello, this is AT&T…”
Me: “Is this AT&T?”
AT&T: “Yes, this is AT&T…”
Me: “This is AT&T?”
AT&T: “Yes This is AT&T…”
Me: “Is this AT&T?”
AT&T: “YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?”
Me: “May I ask who is calling?”
AT&T: “This is AT&T.”
Me: “OK, hold on.”

Me: “Hello?”
AT&T: “Is this Mr. Byron?”
Me: “May I ask who is calling please?”
AT&T: “Yes this is AT&T…”
Me: “Is this AT&T?”
AT&T: “Yes this is AT&T…”
Me: “The phone company?”
AT&T: “Yes sir.”
Me: “I thought you said this was AT&T.”
AT&T: “Yes sir, we are a phone company.”
Me: “I already have a phone.”
AT&T: “We aren’t selling phones today Mr. Byron. We would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.”
Me: “Now, that’s 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?”
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) “Yes, Sir, that’s right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?”
AT&T: “That’s right.”
Me: “365 days a year?”
AT&T: “Yes sir.”
Me: “I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That’s amazing!”
AT&T: “We think so!”
Me: “That’s quite a sum of money!”
AT&T: “Yes sir, it’s amazing how it adds up.”
Me: “OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?”
AT&T: “Excuse me?”
Me: “You know, the 10 cents a minute.”
AT&T: “What are you talking about?”
Me: “You said you’d give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I’m just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.”
AT&T: “Oh no, sir, I didn’t mean we’d be paying you. You pay US 10 cents a minute.”
Me: “Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that you’ll give me 10 cents a minute, that I’ll give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I’ve read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know.”
AT&T: “No, Sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for…”
Me: “THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!”
AT&T: “Sir, I don’t think that is necessary.”
Me: “I insist on speaking to a supervisor!”
AT&T: “Yes, Mr. Byron. Please hold.”

Supervisor: “Mr. Byron?”
Me (with mouth full of food): “Yeth?”
Supervisor: “I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.”
Me: “Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?”
Supervisor: “Yes, Sir, it sure is.”

Me: “No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.”
Supervisor: “OK, no problem, I’ll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.”
Me: “Thank you.”

AT&T: “Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?”
Me: “No, but I was wondering — do you have that “friends and family” thing? Because you can never have enough friends and I’m an only child and I’d really like to have a little brother…”
AT&T: (*Click*)

Customer: “Hello?”
Tech: “Hello”
Customer: “Yeah, my cup holder broke and my computer is still under warranty, so I would like to get it replaced.”
Tech: “Ummm cup holder?”
Customer: “Yeah cup holder…”
Tech: “Ummm did you get it with a promotional offer?”
Customer: “No”
Tech: “Umm are you sure you got the right company?”
Customer: “Yeah”
Tech: “Ummm… I‘m sorry if I sound confused, because I am.”
Customer: “Well it’s square, and it’s on the front of the computer, and it comes out when you press a button…”